your room smells of hookers.
And success
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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