if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The power of my boobs compel you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
