worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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