I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
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I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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