I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
