He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.