If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?