So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
