u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
