Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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