Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
