So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
