my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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