when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
