I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
