I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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