Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
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I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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