EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
