Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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