I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
