How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
