I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
