Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
