My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
