someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
