I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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