i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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