either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
