I just cut my nipple shaving
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
