dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
