Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
