no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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