Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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