one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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