I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
