Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
