if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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