why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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