Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?