i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE