i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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