Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
