Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
