OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
