i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
