i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
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just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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