i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
