So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
