I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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