my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
