I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Everyone says I win the strip club
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
