Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
