There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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