hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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