I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
