Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
