I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
