You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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