you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
