there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
